And All That Could Have Been
by Natalia Vronsky
Summary: Buffy gets ready for her "meeting" with Spike. companion piece to "Big Empty". complete. r&r please and thank you. :


Title: And All That Could Have Been  
Author: Natalia Vronsky  
Part: 1/1  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Companion piece/sequel to "Big Empty". Buffy as she gets ready for her talk with Spike. (I forgot to note in "Big Empty" this takes place after "Doublemeat Palace")  
Author Notes: I started this ages ago. Like, around Valentines day. I just wasn't happy with the ending. Had to fix that right quick. Thanks for all the reviews for "Big Empty", hope you all like how this turned out. Also, this isn't beta-ed. My beta's have been busy with summer school and all that entails, so any errors, all my fault.   
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, and some other folks. They make the money off the characters and stories, not me. The song "And All That Could Have Been" and it's lyrics belong to Trent Reznor, Danny Lohner, Nine Inch Nails, Nothing and Interscope Records.  
Archive: feel free. Just let me know where... and as always, not at some "worst fan fiction" archive. :)  
Feedback: Be kind, review. :) I will love you to pieces!   
  
"Breeze still carries the sound   
Maybe I'll disappear   
Tracks will fade in the snow   
You won't find me here"   
  
Once Spike sped off into the early morning, Buffy sighed. Out of relief and depression. When she wasn't around him, she felt like hell. She felt like she'd been ripped out of heaven again.   
  
She hated that feeling.   
  
Most of the time all she wanted to do was crawl into Spike's arms and stay there forever. However long her next forever would be. With Angel forever had been two years, give or take. Riley was just a little short of that. How long could she and Spike keep this up? How long until he inevitably left her?  
  
She knew she wasn't treating him nicely either. So, if he left her, it'd really be no one's fault but her own. But, she couldn't help how she acted around him. Just like she was sure he couldn't help it when he said vicious things to her.  
  
She *wanted* , really and truly, to be the sweet, loving girlfriend. But, if she let herself truly trust him like that, then what? She'd be open to hurt. And, she'd had her fair share. She didn't want anymore.   
  
So, she pushed him away. She denied her feelings for him to both of them. Except, he knew. He always knew her. Knew what she was thinking and feeling even when she didn't.  
  
Buffy saw Dawn off to school and left the house. She needed to clear her head before seeing Spike.  
  
"Ice is starting to form   
Ending what had begun   
I am locked in my head   
With what I've done"  
  
As Buffy wandered the streets of Sunnydale, she thought about what he'd said. When she'd fought off those muggers. That she could "crown yourself the ice queen". Truth was always behind his words, bastard.  
  
Didn't he care anymore where she'd been, when she still woke from dreams of pleasantness? That she had to stifle screams when she'd wake thinking she was back in her coffin? He cared at first. So what changed?  
  
She did. She had a nasty habit of turning men into monsters after having sex. She pulled her jacket tighter around her as she walked past a happy couple. She could never have that. She ruined then men who loved her. Like Spike had said, taking away everything that was him until there was only a shell of her?   
  
Problem was, how could either of them live... er... un-live, if they were both shells? How could any hope for love last?  
  
"I know you tried to rescue me   
Didn't let anyone get in   
Left with a trace of all that was   
And all that could have been"   
  
He tried so hard. She wasn't as ignorant of what he did as he probably thought she was. The fantastic sex hadn't blinded her to how he was the only person who'd never pressed her to talk. He just let her be.   
  
She trusted him. She had since before she died. When he refused, and was horribly tortured by Glory, to give Dawn away... that sealed her trust for him. He could have sided with Glory easy. Maybe the Hell-God could of found some way to rid him of the chip. He must of thought of that.   
  
He stayed, even, when she died. He had nothing to gain by fighting alongside her friends those hundred and forty-seven days. Did he?  
  
It scared her, how he'd become this rock in the storm of her life that she found herself grasping at... trying to keep sane. Trying to get back her fire.   
  
And, it was so cold where she was. Even colder now. She knew what she had to do, and she wasn't really looking forward to it. It just couldn't be.  
  
They just couldn't be.  
  
"Please take this   
And run far away   
Far away from me   
I am tainted   
The two of us   
We're never meant to be   
All these pieces   
And promises and left behinds   
If only I could see"  
  
Buffy numbly made her way to the crypt Spike called home. The place she saw as sanctuary from the outside world. She tried to compose herself. It wouldn't do to cry in front of him.   
  
He had ways of making her weak in the knees just by looking at her. He made her feel when she was normally felt like the ice-queen he'd dubbed her.  
  
"In my nothing   
You meant everything   
Everything to me"  
  
Whatever feelings she had didn't matter. Never could. If she played on them... if she let them control her, both she and Spike would end up miserable. He'd hate her... and leave.   
  
It'd be better if she asked him to go now. Before she got anymore attached than she was. And, it would kill her. But, it had to be done.   
  
"Gone fading everything   
And all that could have been"   
  
Buffy shoved the crypt door open and walked in. He sat in front of his television. He glanced up at her as she approached.   
  
"You're early, Luv." His voice made the ice thaw. As soon as it was gone, however, it was back.   
  
"Please, take this   
And run far away   
Far as you can see   
I am tainted   
And happiness and peace of mind   
We're never meant for me   
All these pieces   
And promises and left behinds   
If only I could see"   
  
Buffy remained in the doorway, sunlight bathing her. He couldn't touch her without getting burned. Which was good. If he touched her, she'd loose focus.   
  
"Spike..." Just say it and leave.   
  
"Yeah?" He walked over to her, standing at the edge of the light. The indirect sunlight lit his face beautifully. His blue eyes looked the color of the sky... so perfect and clear.   
  
She could see pain in them. Fear. Hope. She could see what he'd gone through in his hundred plus years around on Earth.   
  
Scorned by Cecily.   
  
Abandoned by Drusilla.   
  
She was going to do the same thing to him. God, she must of come back so horribly wrong to do that to him. She bit her lip. This was going to be so much harder than she'd thought.  
  
"Buffy?" Spike's head was tilted to the side, questioning look in his eyes. He looked so adorable when he did that.  
  
"God, I can't do this." She laughed weakly.  
  
"Can't do what?" She looked up at him. She could of swore she could see his heart ripping into tiny pieces.   
  
"This. I came here to end this. But, I can't. I just can't. I feel like I'll die if I do." She backed away a bit when he moved forward. "I should hate you, you know. For making me care so much about you. For making me feel like I can love you. It shouldn't hurt at the thought of you being hurt, physically or emotionally. It should of been easy for me to come and end this."  
  
"Things don't work that easy. We live on the sodding Hellmouth. You think you'd of learned that by now. Everything's difficult. Everything's different than that normal life you idealize."   
  
"I don't want to be hurt."  
  
"Nobody does, Pet. Even evil soulless vampires. But, that's life. Sometimes you have to risk that pain. You'll never know unless you give it a chance."  
  
Risk the pain. Heard that before. The first slayer had said that. She must of known what she was talking about, because it was finally making sense.  
  
"You know, I hate it when you're right."  
  
"I can see how difficult that must for you, seein' as how I'm always right." He smiled a little. She could tell he was still nervous. Not knowing where he stood with her. Hell, she was nervous.   
  
"Conceited jerk." She smiled, walking into the crypt, shutting the door.   
  
"You say that like it's a bad thing." He stood his ground. Obviously waiting for her to go to him.   
  
"Spike, you realize Dawn is probably the only one that's gonna be okay with this? That you'll have to deal with even more shit from Xander then usual... and be nice about it?"  
  
"Why do I have to be nice about it if he's not?"  
  
"Because I'm asking you very nicely to?" She slipped her arms around his neck. "Pretty please, with sugar on top?"  
  
"How 'bout just you on top?" He wagged his eyebrows suggestively. Buffy giggled.   
  
This seemed like a much better idea than ending it.   
  
"In my nothing   
You meant everything  
Everything to me"  
  
The End.   
  
Corny? Sappy? Super? Awful? Love it? Hate it? Please, lemme know. 


End file.
